Wish I was loud.

My nails grow in silence, break with noise, and grow back in silence again. My heart grows in silence, breaks in silence, and grows back in better silence again. If our lives had background music, it would have been a lot easy to live. Every emotion would have a 'value'; every value would have a sound, every sound would welcome you for feeling everything as sincerely as you want. If mind had a face, beauty would have a very ugly definition and if our hearts were as mindful as we want it to be, evolution would have reached the finish line way back. I have lived most of my life till date nurturing the ideology of silence and letting time be my spokesperson. But as you grow up, you tend to understand the world a bit better especially the power held by a befitting reply. My father uses this phrase a lot, he says, " kill the issue on the spot". He lives by his words, he does kill the issue on the spot, he does not mince words when it comes to an offender. I on the other hand, have killed issues but with time and with pecks of my pointless patience. I however also did not mince words, I either stayed silent or walked away. I have spoken for myself at instances but I think I have never been loud, loud enough to state my mind. I think that's what all introverts do. We can write our minds very well, we can seldom speak for it. We aren't the quiet ones, we just keep quiet.

                                                                      Words have had a great impact on my life, especially those that I have said to myself. If at the end of the day, I get to hear all that I said to myself the entire day, there wouldn't be any day where I would not have to apologize for the choice of words. One morning I woke up with a long held resentment. These are mornings which are bad for absolutely no reason apart from your own dejavu of uncomfortable memories. When you are naïve, these mornings grab you by your collar and drags your day. But on that particular morning, something different happened. I was still tilted on my bed and the familiar cloud came again; but by the time I put my feet on the ground I said to myself these exact same words, " I forgive you for feeling this, I forgive you nikki". Immediately my body responded in a way a 'good morning' actually feels like. It felt as if somebody drizzled cold water on a burnt out ash. It was not a mug of water and there was no actively burning ash. It was just the drizzle of the words, 'I forgive you' that melted the candle lit amount of heat left in the ash. When a groundbreaking discovery is made and in rare cases it turns out that it functions very 'simply', it is very very hard to believe. I got ready with a smile not on my face but on my still amazed heart. The entire walk towards my lab was different. I couldn't believe something so simple can clear the clouds that hovered me for so long. I finally realized that I am an adult now. What I also realized is why did I neverrr everrr said that before? Why did it took so long? Why a random morning like this had to teach me something that literally didn't cost anything? But I forgave myself again and went ahead with the day. There must be many things that we have said to ourselves to empower us but we hear it after a long time just because we aren't loud enough.

              Out of all the beautiful realizations I have had in adulthood till date, one that makes me feeeel alive is the realization that I am on a road that I built and I would know the music of the road not taken by many. How would you define the sound of your existence? Did you ever wonder which category of music your life would fall into? My existence is just as loud as the sound produced by two small bells in my anklet. Anybody hardly notices the sound, but everybody will have its memory. Long lasting memory. From the beginning we are taught to speak well, speak less, speak proper. Only teachers asked us to speak loudly; mine still asks to speak aloud. I don't know why I could never speak loudly, for that moment I raise my voice but I could never speak loudly. A lot of my peers who could do it were tagged as confident and bold. So for a long time I considered being loud, sometimes even being dominant and rude as confidence and boldness. Probably that explains how I allowed a lot of offenders to waste my time into thinking that I have no sound in me. Anytime you standup for yourself and that parallels with offending someone, go ahead and be loud about what you want to say. There is no other better time. There is no other better way to be bold. More than any other skill, self-talk is the most important skill that needs constant nurturing. It let's you gauge what kind of relationship you have with yourself. Is it a healthy one? If yes then how. Is it a neglected one? If yes then why. All life changing moments are just strings of words buried inside you that you hear very loudly when it's too much. Words have feelings too. The cliché, "somethings are better left unsaid" is incomplete I feel. Every emotion no matter how overwhelming if not expressed by tears or tight hugs can be penned down. That's how the poets and writers and artists are created, by giving words to 'unsaid left out somethings'. I could have said many things but I didn't, sometimes to save familiar sentiments, other times to not be offensive. Stating the obvious is not what I like to do but it's necessary. Although I have been a proper speaking type, I may have offended people and even though I have been a silent warrior all throughout till date, the battles I have fought are very loud in both intensity and integrity. I still wish to be loud, in my gestures, in my prompt response to offenders, in singing and in my blogs. I want to say aloud what you whisper. I want to challenge the diplomatic silences with my on point verbs. Unless you are being paid for it, never be a regular diplomat. The sound of diplomacy is no different than the sound of hypocrisy and for me that appears as an ugly fungal infection. There's one life, but what lasts beyond it is the relationships we sewed from our words, our sounds and our minds. There will never be any less time for speaking, but to know when to be loud in your speech whether to yourself or to others will determine the directions for the road in construction. Don't speak too much, don't speak too little. But speak before it gets too much. 

        I tried to be loud in this article by adding extra letters to the words I wanted to emphasize instead of using apostrophes. That is my beginning to be loud. I know there are things we don't say to our friends and family because it might seem like calling out an offender. But these are the same things that have hurt us in ways that sometimes ruins our mornings for no reason. And until you cannot find words to express your hurt, just forgive yourself for not being loud then. Be loud in your pursuit of strength from people who inspire your silent existence. I may have been silent most of my living life but people with deep routed ears have heard me and they have heard me so well. 

They know the sound of my growth, they remember that it's my anklet.